For Good

This sealed the deal, let me explain... I just spent the weekend with my friend Happi. People do that all the time, I know but this was special. Happi and I haven't seen each other in almost 20 years and all we really know about our lives since high school has been contained in a few letters and what we've posted on blogs. We've talked about getting together for some time but never sealed the deal. Life just kept getting in the way. It almost didn't happen this time, you see days before I was to meet up with Happi I had to go to Iowa for a funeral. I was exhausted from all the family drama and may have cancelled had it not been for the "Wicked" tickets. It was set in stone. I am so thankful. First of all, I was not nervous at all about seeing her after so long. I was perplexed by this. I am a nervous person. From the moment we saw each other it was like old times.
We talked for hours, about everything. We laughed, we cried. We ate. It was a perfect weekend. I was able to see her mom and sisters, who I consider family, and meet the wonderful man that has made their family complete. Thank you Dean and Donni for opening your home to me, I felt like one of the family. Lots of laughs. I was also privileged enough to see Kari and Darci perform at church, it was beautiful. More tears. Happi and I took the train into Chicago (first for me), walked down Michigan avenue (first) and had lunch at the Lux. YUMMMMMMMM!!!!! We then hailed a cab to see the show. Oh my gosh!!! I can not think of anyone I would have rather shared that moment with. She is the person that started my love affair with performing arts. Watching her family perform, taking dance classes at her mom's studio... My friendship with Happi changed my life in so many ways. She was the light at the end of the tunnel through a lot of hard times. I truly think God put her in my life. I am so thankful. I am thankful that if we've changed (I am sure we have), we changed in the same direction. I am thankful that I can be myself, completely, without judgement and Happi accepts that. I missed that part of myself and my friend helped me find it. I love you my dear friend. Thank you so much for a wonderful weekend. Now, I'm gonna go read your post (I promised myself I wouldn't read it till I got done with this), probably cry, then look forward to planning next year!

Happy Mother's Day

As I woke up this morning at 8:45, my hubby leaned over and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. I came downstairs, took some aleve for my headache. Hubby made me a cup of my favorite hot tea. Ashley got up an hour later, came out wrapped in her quilt and wished me a Happy Mother's Day. After laying around in my nightgown for a couple of hours watching movies eating Lucky Charms, my step kids came over to bring me a card for Mother's Day. WOW!!! After Tyler came home from his dad's we met my mom at Starbucks for coffee. I got flowers and a tear jerking card from Tyler. We went to the bookstore after coffee. I love the bookstore. Then we met Chad for lunch. After lunch, I came home and took a nap. It has been my kind of day. I hope your Mother's Day has been your perfect kind of day. Happy Mother's Day!

I feel better already

This is a pretty personal post, that's what this is for right, to get things off your chest and just talk? I have been incredibly stressed lately and my emotions are out of control. I actually broke down at work on Thursday and cried for two hours until Chad got there to calm me down. I was just alone in my thoughts and everything that has been bothering me came crashing down all at once. I have so many unresolved issues from my past. From my relationships with my parents, something that happened to when I was young, my grandmother's death and the fact that I never knew her... Just so many things that I can push to the back of my mind when I'm busy but when my mind slows down or I'm really stressed, it all comes crashing down all at once. So after my two hour crying spell, a day off work (unplanned) and a really long talk with my incredibly supportive hubby I decided to call a therapist. I had my first visit on Saturday and I feel better already. It's amazing how good it feels to know that I am on the way to feeling better. I saw a therapist after I had Ashley for post-par tum and anger issues and I should have dealt with these issues then but I was too afraid to let it all out. I have some pretty big skeletons in my closet that would shock people who think they know me. I am on the right path, I firmly believe that. I am tired of my past holding me back, of it controlling me. Wish me luck!!!

Am I ready for this?

You may not know, because I probably don't type about them much, that my husband has two kids from a previous relationship. They are 14 and 12. When Chad and I first got together the kids came over regularly and we blended pretty easily. Not long after Ashley was born the problems started. Now I know that they were just repeating a lot stuff that they were hearing from home but some of it was very brutal. After their mother had a failed marriage, she decided she was going to do whatever it took for her and Chad to get back together. All the things that happened during this time ended up straining our relationship and Chad's relationship with his kids. They eventually stopped wanting to come over and we stopped making them, it was just too hard on all of us. We've seen them on and off over the last couple of years. Not seeing them has bothered Ashley more than anyone. This year she happened to be in class with a child that lives with Chad's kids. A couple of arguments, a parent teacher conference and a phone call later, Chad's kids were coming over every other weekend. The last 3 months have been great! It was like they had been coming over all along. The kids all got along. I stepped back a little to let them get reacquainted with Chad. It's really been nice until this weekend. It's Chad's daughter. She is 12. She thinks she's 20 something. She does what she wants, talks like she's grown with no respect for adults or other people that are around her. That may all be being 12. Here is what I had a problem with this weekend. After we came home from them mall Friday night (where she wanted us to just drop her off) she got on her my space (which she is not supposed to be on but her mother won't delete it) and told her friend that she was at the mall with her ex boyfriend and they ended up getting back together and she was spending the night at his house. Now first of all, I can't stand liars. Second of all, she completely disregarded has father's rules that she was not to be on her my space. Third, the things that she is writing are going to give her a reputation that she may not be able to get rid of. Now here is my delima, I am raising my kids to be good people, to behave a certain way, to have respect for themselves and other people. I have not raised Chad's kids. I cannot make them behave a certain way. I don't want to parent them. I want to be an example for them. I want them to look at Chad and me and know how people are supposed to treat each other. I DO NOT want my daughter to look at Chad's daughter and want to be like her. I find that the more Chad's kids are over the more my kids try to get by with acting the way they do. Chad's son has been wonderful. I don't always expect him to be this way, he is after all a teenager. He seems to motivate my son to help around the house and to be more active. I know Chad loves that has kids are coming over, so am I. I just don't know if I am ready for what more may be coming.

Time well spent... not, well actually yes

Last week my hubby and I took the week off to spend with the kids for Spring Break and to finish re-doing the bathroom. The bathroom finally got finished Saturday. I planned on doing a little spring cleaning while I was at home, didn't get done. Planned to visit some family, didn't do that either. I planned on spending time with the kids, done. We watched movies, went on bike rides, talked, shopped (okay, maybe that was for me), we ran out of time (wasted some at a really crummy indoor water park). I wish I could spend more time with my kids. I need to make sure the time I spend with them is quality time. Ashley starts softball Friday, Chad's son's games start Monday, Tyler just got a job cleaning one of his teacher's yard...it all goes so fast. Two months of school left and Tyler will be in his last year of middle school and Ash will be in her last year of elementary. WOW! My babies are growing up. I did spend a couple of hours looking through old photos, made me cry. Enjoy your little people, good times and bad. One day they will have their own things to do and spending time with you will not be a priority. That's okay, you want them to be independent, to be their own person. Enjoy the fact that they need you, you need them too.

then at 12:16 am...

Ashley Corynne was delivered. As I was being wheeled out of the operating room, I woke up long enough to ask my mom what I had, she said, "It's a girl and she beautiful." I think I said good and then was out once again. Hours later (it was daylight) I woke again to the sound of a baby crying. All my groggy eyes could see was this little red thing squirming in a plastic box (the bassinet) and Chad talking to it. From the moment Ashley was born she was a daddy's girl. The sound of his voice soothes her to this day. So, Ashley's birth was not at all as we had planned. I really wanted Chad by my side supporting me through the birth of our baby. My mom was there for Tyler's birth, not his dad. Ashley was born the way she lives her life, right now. She lives in the moment. She doesn't have a lot of patience, especially for situations that are not to her liking. So Ash, here's to you...

Happy 10th Birthday baby girl. You have been an adventure since the day you were born. I could not imagine life with out you. You are the funniest kid I know, sometimes not always in the appropriate situations but I wouldn't change that for the world. You are passionate about animals, nature, history (you totally get that from your dad). I love it when you come home from school bursting with new information that you learned that day. You are becoming more sensitive and caring each and every day. You help friends at school and are the one that they trust to talk to knowing that you won't share their secret. You are also the most adult 10 year old I know. I love that you and I talk about anything and everything. Sometimes your questions are a little grown-up and surprising but I do the best I can to give you what you can handle and you seem to be satisfied. I love how important family is to you. It doesn't matter what holiday or event it is, you just want everybody together. I hope that desire to keep family close follows you into adulthood. You are a completely unique individual with a rebellious side, note the purple hair. That is a quality that I hope to help mold into leadership and individuality. I truly love your "Rockstar" side. Ashley, you are a gift to everyone that is blessed enough to have you in their lives. I love you!

10 years ago today... (graphic material to follow)

I was very pregnant, feeling heavy labor, eating Dairy Queen, walking at the park. In a couple of hours I will take a bath, go to bed only to be awaken by a loud sound, serious pain, and the urge to pee. I'll to the bathroom only to find my self covered in blood. Wake up Chad, go to the payphone, call an ambulance. Off to the hospital I go, off to the sitter's Tyler goes. Dilated to 10, heavy contractions, still lots of blood. Can't deliver, might cause one or both of use to die. Chad has to sign blood transfusion papers. Emergency C-section. I'm taken to the operating room, strapped down, an i.v. in inserted then I feel a hand on my throat and I'm out. To be continued...